This it is. Done.

So this is it, my last blog entry of the semester. In the span of over three months, I’ve complained about this blog, laughed while writing this blog and shared my life’s problems on this blog. Now, it is coming to an end. At the start of the semester I was a different person than who I am right now. My first blog entry was written two weeks after my ex broke up with me and I thought I would never smile or be happy again. I had never experienced so much pain in my life and believed I would never heal because I was in complete shambles. Three months later, here I am. I’m still alive, I laugh, I live, think, dance, smile, thrive. The human mind and heart is truly amazing in its ability to heal itself. I thought I should stay in my room and watch the seasons go by until my ex realized that we were meant for each other but that is unfair. In the movies, when someone gets their heart broken, they just lay in their bed listening to sad music until a. their ex takes them back, b. a new person sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after. None of which happened to me, perhaps because I did not lay in my bed torturing myself with Tracy Chapman and Coldplay. I licked my wounds and healed, well I’m still in the process but I’m certainly better than I was three months ago. Farewell  fellow bloggers, I hope you this facet of my life interesting. If not, I totes understand, it's probably only interesting to me.

xoxo Rachele

Fawn	v.	To seek favor or attention; to act subserviantly (n, adj: fawning)
Feign	v.	To give false appearance or impression: "He feigned illness to avoid going to school." (adj: feigned)

11-11-11.

         Today is 11-11-11. The world has not ended, but it is still pretty early in the evening. I had lunch with my middle school boyfriend’s mother. When he and I went to high school our families stayed relatively close although he and I rarely spoke. The last time I saw him I was 16, unsure of myself but ready to get him back. Surprisingly, he had a girlfriend and told me how they met, and how great she makes him feel. I was not upset or hurt, I was jealous. I thought I wanted him so badly, badly enough to wish him unhappiness in his relationship with his new girlfriend, who I envied. At that moment, I felt I would never find anyone as good as him, no one as smart, handsome, or funny. With time, of course I found someone else, someone different, who made me feel wonderful for a long time. We experienced real love, not the middle school play ground puppy love that I thought I wanted to rekindle.

At lunch, his mom and I caught up on six years of my life, her life, her son’s life and it felt incredible. According to her, her son peaked in high school. He is still with the same girl, going to community college to get his AA, then moving to LA to pursue acting. His girlfriend is an “idiot” and they live with her mother who supports them both. To top it off, he is going bald at age 20. She said that over the years she would encourage him to dump his girlfriend and reconnect with me but he ignored her.His mom didn’t have too many good things to say about her oldest son, but she did say that he should “rue the day he hurt such a great girl like me.” That shit CRAY! I sat there and silently congratulated myself, I unintentionally dodged a bullet. 

Over dessert and cappuccinos, she had an amazing idea: he and I meet up today. She called him and told him to meet her at her house because she had a surprise for him, and neglected to say that I was with her. I was a little hesitant because I could see him getting upset that she arranged all this. We arrived at the house and I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t the 16 year old girl who had no self confidence, I wasn’t unsure of my feelings, I felt like a woman. He was completely shocked. He awkwardly hugged me, then looked at his mother and rolled his eyes. She insisted that he and I take a picture together, so we complied but he didn’t touch me. I was smiling and easy going the whole time because I knew the truth: he wasn’t the same person he was 6 years ago and neither was I. His mom told him my plans for grad school, where I work, and he tried his best to care. He nodded and glared at his mom. It was awkward just sitting in silence with him but it wasn’t uncomfortable. He knew me in a way no one else did, and in some ways, no one else ever will. We were each others first kiss, first relationship, first heart break. I think we will always be special to each other, even in the smallest way. After 10 agonizing minutes, he left. He didn’t hug me or even look at me, I said goodbye and he waved. His mom laughed then said he was probably pissed at her. She’s a funny lady, she’ll do anything for a good laugh. We chatted for a while then she walked me to my car. She said something that will stay with me forever, “Ben, he owns his feelings, forget him. You’re on the right path.” Six years ago, hell even 3 years ago, I would never imagine that I would be better off without him. Things really do happen for a reason, sometimes it takes years to understand it but it is true. Today reminded me that I may have a broken heart now, but my heart has healed before and will heal again. 11-11-11 proved to be a life changing day.

chicanery	n.	deception by trickery
complaisant	adj.	willingly compliant or accepting of the status quo (n: complaisance)

Virtuous Living

         Today in Classical Political Thought with Dr. Peter, I experienced a beautiful lecture. It was about Confucius and Mencius’s ideas of virtue and leadership. One cannot be a great leader unless he/she demonstrates true, virtuous principles. Etiquette, manners, politeness and education are major themes of living a virtuous life and suddenly I felt emotional. I had an epiphany, I suppose. I realized that I want to be more steadfast in my principles, even when it is difficult. Staying true to goodness is probably the most difficult choice people make but it is the right choice. These virtues are not created overnight, they require discipline and wisdom that I will only acquire over time.

Dr. Peter told the class of how his education gained the respect of his future father-in-law. His girlfriend’s father wanted to meet him alone for lunch before he gave them his blessing for marriage. Dr. Peter was nervous at first because he was not the “nice Asian boy” that tradition deemed acceptable but one important and unchangeable virtue saved him: education. Dr. Peter told his future father-in-law about his world class education at Stanford and Princeton then suddenly his fear melted away. He was now acceptable to marry the man’s daughter for his education proved virtuous and disciplined. I am not saying that a Doctorate from Princeton is worthy of being virtuous but it was Dr.Peter’s ambition and drive that impressed his wife’s father. While he retold the story, his face lit up and he began to pace nervously. It was endearing seeing a brilliant man speak with such excitement and honor for his wife.

I realized that etiquette, manners and honesty are powerful faculties that I wish to hone but education is just as meaningful. Without an education, I am not a complete being. Perhaps some can live full lives without education but I cannot. Education will lead me to my happiness, it will keep me on the virtuous path that I create for myself. Today’s lecture was incredibly moving, for numerous reasons but most of all it gave me courage to believe in myself. 

Do Not Look in the Back of Your Drawers

          Do not look in the back of your drawers. A few days ago I was rummaging through my drawers hoping to find a specific shirt when I came across a wrinkled, grey, v-neck t-shirt. I quickly grabbed the shirt, held it in front of me, then realized this shirt belongs to someone who is thousands of miles away. I smelled it and hoped my olfactory bulbs would tingle with excitement when I smelled a scent that was once so comforting. I could not smell anything but the scent of my room and cedar drawers. I just stood silently with the shirt in hand, almost unable to put it back because I missed the person who once wore it. My mind promptly started to spin out of  control, and wondered if one of my shirts was in Cordoba, Spain at this very moment. I was dragged in to this mental battle with myself because I looked in the back of my drawers. Things that are in backs of drawers, closets, pantries, or even books are meant to stay a mystery until one is ready to explore the reason they were shoved so far away from daylight. Until I am ready to excise this shirt or possible multiple shirts, I am too afraid to look, I will leave it alone back there. If I do not bother it, it will not bother me, hopefully.

Hapless	adj.	Unfortunate
Headlong	adj., adv.	Headfirst; impulsive; hasty. impulsively; hastily; without forethought: "They rushed headlong into marriage."

Unsure

The scariest question I have been asked lately regards my future. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and even customers at Starbucks have been constantly asking me what I want to “become.” It is such a profound question that I doubt people even realize how incredibly overwhelming it is to hear. “Becoming” something alludes to getting a well respected career that changes the world, while making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and has a decent dental plan. So unless I become the first woman President of the United States or create the next Facebook, the expectations of others will probably not get met. Which is unfortunate for them, but not for me. “Becoming” something should not connote a wise career path or the tangible result of a well-planned life. To “become” suggests growth has concluded and one has reached the final stage of development. I do not ever want to “become,” I want to thrive and flourish as long as my bones and brain allow, then I will have “become” something: accomplished. Until I can figure out a one sentence synopsis of what I want to “become” without sounding like a delirious hippie, I will simply smile and say, “I’m not sure.” I am okay with that for now. 

Sate	v.	to satisfy fully or to excess
Saturnine	adj.	having a gloomy or morose temperament